The best Uptown article I've read in a while:
IS BOTTLED BETTER?
When it comes to water, Mike Warkentin doesn't think so - and he has a business plan to prove it
Mike Warkentin
Is bottled better? I'm going to start selling bottled water.
I'll call it Purity, or maybe Puri-T to suck a few dollars out of the iPod kids and hip hop fans, and it will come in a stylish clear bottle with trees and mountains and other nature bullshit. Maybe a brook or something.
All I really need is a pristine image, and I might even ditch the nature angle and go with an ultra-sleek label that will stand out and give the product some cachet with the hipsters who drive big SUVs and think recycling is a communist plot concocted by hobbits.
My bottling plant is going to be in my basement, and as for my supply of high-quality potable water, I'll just run a garden hose from the tap in my kitchen.
And I can legally do that.
As long as the sleek Puri-T label doesn't say 'mineral' or 'spring' water, I'm good to go, according to the Health Canada Q&A on bottled water. I don't need a licence to start my operation, either, and while my product could be inspected by the Canadian Food Inspection Agency, I'm pretty sure everything will be positively bitchin' given that Winnipeg already tests its water and I am not required to release any of my own test results to the public.
I'll get the operation running soon, before Winnipeg follows the lead taken by London, Ont.'s city council, which recently voted to ban the sale of bottled water at municipal facilities to cut down on waste and encourage people to drink tap water the city considers safe.
See, the suits in London think Canadian tap water is pretty clean. A bunch of reports even back up the claim that Canadian tap water is often just as safe as - or sometimes safer than - bottled water, including Water Proof 2: Canada's Drinking Water Report Card (Sierra Legal Defence Fund, 2006), as well as Survey of Bottled Drinking Water Available in Manitoba, Canada (Dr. Eva Pip of the University of Winnipeg, 2000).
That's not to say all bottled water is vile brew laced with more particles than the hot tub at Fun Mountain. Most of it is fine. All the studies are saying is that tap water stands up pretty well in a Pepsi Challenge with bottled water, both in terms of taste and composition - which is pretty rad for Puri-T considering bottled water usually sells for about 3,000 times more than tap water.
You just can't find profit margins like that anywhere other than the shady deals that go down at the Osborne Village Bell Tower.
But I'm banking on the fact that most people don't know about the studies and will be more than happy to buy Puri-T at about $1.50 a litre only because it's "bottled" and therefore must be good.
To kick-start the whole deal, I might even begin mentioning the Walkerton, Ont., water-contamination incident of 2000 to do a little fear-mongering: "Puri-T - because even one sick blond, blue-eyed child is too many."
Then I'm banking on making a pretty sweet chunk of change before Winnipeg gets around to placing more stringent regs on bottled water to keep the used containers out of our landfill sites.
But we aren't really a forward-thinking city, so I think Puri-T will be around for quite some time.
You should buy some.
Mike Warkentin is selling you tap water.